At This Table: A Mother’s Day Tribute

At This table

 At this table many celebrations for Mother's day once took place.  At this table candle's were blown and wishes were made on birthdays. 

At this table there were Eid and Christmas dinners and various holiday celebrations. 

At this table were family gatherings just because. 

When Mama, a loving member of our family and a powerful matriarch transitioned, the centralization of what brought people together like at this table was lost.

It's not the same anymore. I grieve my mom and a the loss of what no longer happens at this table.

But at this table I'm joined by many others. They include, pain, loneliness, hurt, sadness and grief. They have all have a place at this table and everyone is welcome. They have a lot to share. I sit. I listen and be present to every word. 

I am sitting at this table as I write this and I am flooded with memories. Some so clear as if they were yesterday and others that are vague and seem to be fading away. 

At this table I am also joined by gratitude, joy, happiness, laughter, harmony and love. They too have a lot to say. They too have a lot to contribute to the conversation. Their words are healing, give me hope and leave me curious about what the future could be like with or without this table.

At this table today I set a place setting in honour of mom for Mother's day. This is where she sat whenever we gathered at this table. This is her seat. Even in spirit she is welcome here at this table. She will always be a part of every meal, every occasion and celebration. She continues to fill my heart with her love and her bright light just like she did every time we sat together at this table.

Happy Mother's Day Mama🌺

Love You Forever🕊

Miss you so much ❤️

Look at the Moon: Updated Version:

May 9, 2009 -Updated 

I decided to re-write my original blog to include details I hadn't in my original post. The events of that night still sit with me.  As I reflect back on that night I'm eternally grateful for the few hours I spent with Clay and how it changed me for the better.

Look at the MOON

 

A full moon usually means sleepless nights for me. I can always tell there's one coming up. Like clockwork, two days before every full moon I'm charged with restless  energy and unable to sleep. There's a magnitude of energy and mystery when it comes to the moon. It gives me this power and yet I have no idea what it's for? I suspect the lunar cycle and all it's properties will have a multitude of meaning in my life. Part of my lunar journey had a huge impact on me, taught me major life lessons and moment I'll always remember. The events took place in Fayetteville, Arkansas, USA.

I was on business in Fayetteville  in 2009 teaching workshops. At the time I was an International Fitness Presenter and Reebok Master Trainer. My work took me worldwide including places I never dreamt of travelling to. It was always an adventure and I loved meeting fitness enthusiasts, like me. After completing my first day of work I found myself alone in my hotel room and hungry. Wanting some company to share a meal with I did something I had never done before. I found someone online in a chat room and invited him to join me. I figured the city was new to discover so I'd find someone who lived there who could recommend a great  place to dine and maybe show me around. Clay was the first person I met on a local chat line and within minutes of meeting him our comfort level grew almost instantly.  Within minutes of our chat, I knew I wanted his company for diner. Though I had never met previously my intuition led me to believe it was safe to connect in person. Clay had never chatted with someone online either. This was new to both of us. Clay happened to be five minutes from my hotel. I quickly got dressed and met him at the front of my hotel. We exchanged a quick hello, I got into his car and off we went.

Clay took us to one of his favourite restaurants. Fayetteville is a small city and getting to the restaurant was a short drive. The only way to describe our time together was inspirational and life changing. We had an incredible dinner filled with conversation that felt like two friends who had known each other for a long time. There was an instant feeling of comfort and ease around him. Clay got very personal about his past. I believe we all have unique stories. I just hadn't expected to hear anything like his. From a young age Clay was homeless and hungry living on the streets, a victim of child abuse and left to fend for himself for much of his childhood. He ended up in foster homes where he was further abused. He was eventually adopted by an affluent family. They had three girls, and the husband wanted a son. According to Clay, his adopted mother hated him and treated him as such. She felt like she failed not giving her husband a son, and resented Clay. In his latter teens he started suffering from post-traumatic stress from his childhood and his parents feared that his history was surfacing so they sent him to an orphanage. Clay joined the rodeo at 16 and was a special man in many ways. He made his way to the army and eventually married a girl who was pregnant with another man's baby. But he loved her and wanted to give the child a home. He provided her with a car and a house. Unfortunately, she suffered a miscarriage but they latter had a son of their own.  His name is Beau. They since parted but co-parent Beau. Clay went on to be a well known hair stylist and worked on Rodeo drive in Los Angeles. He has clients that have him flown in from Arkansa including many celebrities. Back in Arkansas, Clay also works and volunteers with disabled children including teaching sign language to the hearing impaired. He's committed himself to helping children hoping never to see them abused or go hungry. He described what life was like being a dirty and hungry child and it made my heart ache. 

After dinner we made our exit from the restaurant, we were met with what appeared to be a group of angry protestors. As we got closer, I was able to see signs they were holding high that said, "Gays are going to hell." They were yelling at any sort of bystanders spreading their awful hate. I have heard about and seen such people on the news and media sources but never experienced anything like this in person. My heart started to race, and fear spread throughout my body. I felt danger though there was nothing we did to warrant any attention on us. However, Clay very assuredly and confidently instructed me to hold his hand. Not knowing in that moment whether it was the right or wrong thing to do but more impulsively I reached out my hand to meet his. He grabbed it and held it tight. I tried to drown out the craziness around me increasing my grip on his hand. We came within a few feet of them when he took me by complete surprise. Clay turned toward me and grabbed me by the waist, pulled me close into him and pressed his lips up against mine. His back was to the protesters, while they were in my full frontal view, but I shut my eyes. I then pressed my lips toward him matching his kiss. I thought my heart was going to stop. I was completely frozen. After what felt was like an eternity, he withdrew his lips and said, "C'mon, lets go."He continued to hold my hand as we walked past the hateful group. We crossed the street to move past them not making any eye contact with them. I knew if we did, we were giving them what they wanted. We both refused to acknowledge them. We continued to walk not looking back till their voices drowned out behind us. I was in utter shock as to what just happened. It appeared to me that Clay had encountered situations like this before. I had never seen anyone stand in their power that way. I was in awe of him and very thankful that the situation didn't escalate but, in many ways, felt a rush of empowerment. Once we were in his car, I think I exhaled. I turned to him speechless. Clay didn't seem fazed at all about what just happened. "Screw that shit, I don't let anyone get the better of me." he said. We drove off leaving the whole experience behind us. 

When I said yes to meeting Clay for dinner, I had no idea what lay ahead of me. And the rest of the night continued to be memorable, though for different reasons.

A gentle rainfall started as we drove out of the city into the countryside. As we made our way around Fayetteville he talked about nature with such awe and appreciation including the blissfulness of a gentle rainfall. He described how it made him feel as it fell on his body when he was a child. He looked at the simplest forms of nature, the sun, the clouds, the rainbows and described the beauty, colours, and scents in such a way that I felt like I had let a lifetime of rainfalls slip me by. I felt like I had missed so much despite my worldly travels. I thanked him for making me feel and experience the beauty around me and for introducing me to its existence. It was like reawakening all my senses and to a higher degree. A rainbow appeared and immediately Clay pointed to it with excitement. Like a child seeing it for the first time, his eyes lit up. he would point to creeks and ponds and describe what type of animals lived there. He pointed to a lake and said watching the dew rise off the lake in the morning was a beautiful scene. I realized that while Clay was homeless these were the things that kept him going. He found life and beauty around him despite his circumstances. It was his way of surviving and bringing meaning to his life that involved just being present. It wasn't about his home or car as he had no material possessions at that time. And he's never forgotten any of it. He pointed out old bards with admiration. Things that were old held a lot of sentimental value for him. Even if he wasn't part of its history, he would appreciate it as though it was a part of him. Looking at something old was like reading a story. It was filled with many of life's experiences. 

We had only a few short hours together and yet in that little time I brought home so much with me. I had workshops to teach the next morning and from there I was off to catch my flight home. We said our goodbyes over the phone and from then onwards I couldn't stop thinking and processing all that I learned in that short period of priceless time. I was a changed man thanks to Clay.

A week latter with more open and awareness I saw a beautiful full moon. I had a feeling it was coming because of the sleepless night two days prior. I had discovered what it was like to have those childlike eyes Clay had. For the first time I really noticed the moon's radiance. I decided to write Clay a text saying, "Look at the moon!" I was about to hit send but due to the three-hour time difference it was still day light in Arkansas and like everything Clay had shown me I wanted to share the same moon with him. I decided to save the message in my drafts folder thinking I'd send it latter in the evening. That evening I had dinner plans and was meeting a friend. We were busy catching up as it had been some time that we had seen each other. I told my friend all about my recent trip to Fayetteville and the life changing experience I had in that short time with Clay. During dinner my message indicator went off. To my surprise there was a message from Clay. There was a sense of urgency of wanting to read his message, so I excused myself and looked at my phone. My eyes nearly popped out of my head, and I stood up in utter amazement. Speechless and stunned I read it repeatedly. "Is everything ok?" asked my friend. "Yeah.." I said. There on my cell phone was a message from Clay and it read "Look at the moon."

I realized that we don't have to know people for a lifetime to know who they are. I realized that no amount of time is a true measure of what defines a connection between any two people. I realized physical distance is not a source of separation.

I realized that the moon continues to be full of potential and mysterious energy.

I realized that every day is a miracle.

The Death of My 52 Year Old Self

Today is my 53rd birthday and until yesterday I was afraid to die. I’m not referring to physical death. This is about the death of my old self, personality and all that which was filled with  limiting beliefs on all levels, including subconscious that was held tightly by my EGOic mind. Yesterday I let go of what was no longer serving me at this time of my life. I let go of the fear that my ego held onto that was  keeping me stuck from growing. Don’t get me wrong. There is still work to do and it’s a lifelong  process. I’m sure there is more that needs to be addressed but in this moment I took a huge leap and overcame my ‘fear of death.’

This was the first time a part of me died that I didn't  grieve for. 

I then focused on forgiveness. I forgive myself for all the times I betrayed myself. I forgive myself for all the times I didn’t show up for me the way I needed. I forgive myself for all the times I didn’t trust myself. I forgive myself for every time I criticized, judged or abused myself in words, thoughts, actions and inactions. I forgive myself of not believing I am unlimited. I forgive myself for ever doubting that I am loving and lovable. I forgive myself for robbing myself of joy by comparing myself to others. I forgive myself of all the times I took the gift of life that was given to me for granted as well as every day that I have been given to live and experience. I forgive myself for every  time I forgot who I AM.  Finally, I forgive all those who didn’t see my worth and value because of their own wounds and fears.

I like to think of my life and everything I experience as a tree. The very base of the tree is the soil that which nurtures everything the tree will grow into existence. All that doesn’t serve me was released and let go from this soil. And now I chose to replace it all with the following nutrients

“Dear God, only you are my truest spiritual partner. It is safe to fully love my WHOLE self. I know how to love. It is safe to open my heart to a healthy relationship with myself and with a life partner” 

Dear little Farhan, I’m here for you. I will always be here for you. You’ll never be alone. I got you. 

Happy Birthday to me and my new tree🌲

Three Years Since Mom's Transitioning

It's been three years today that there's been no hugs, kisses and hearing Mama's sweet voice say "have a great day" or "welcome home." It's been three years of entering a home where I am greeted with silence and emptiness. It's a constant reminder of what used to be there. A hug waiting for me, the voices and sounds of Mama that filled our home; a small framed lady with a gentle soft voice and yet her spirit so huge that her presence was always known, felt and loved. Whether I was away for a few short hours or for an extended period of time I always felt the anticipation of knowing Mama was there waiting for me. Without a doubt she always had one question for me, "When are you coming home?"

I always called her every day no matter what part of the world I was in. When she picked up the phone and heard my voice I would feel her sense of relief and peace. "Did you eat something?" and then ask again as if she didn't know "When are you coming home?"

But now home feels different. It's space that feels empty. Her absence feels like a bottomless crater that can never be filled.

What is grief like three years later? I had slowly and gently made a few attempts at clearing her drawers and closet. I was only able to let go of a few items at a time. But this past month, with the help and support of a few family members we were able to empty, donate and gift the remaining items in her room. Only recently did I start listening to all the voice messages that were left for me this day three years ago. Only now have I been able to read the many messages of condolences that were left for me on Facebook. Thank you ALL for the outpour of support.

Everyone's grief journey is unique. There are no specific timelines. This has just been my experience.

Despite the loses what has grown and continues to grow is my love for Mama. A bond of love never dies and continues to grow even when our loved ones are in spirit. We had a nightly ritual where she gave me three kisses every night. And now before going to bed I kiss her bedroom door. It's not the same but for me is a symbolic gesture of our ritual, and of our love.

I make pancakes every Sunday morning like we used to and have found ways to celebrate, honour and nurture our incredible bond.

I really get annoyed when people say "Your mom lovED you very much" in past tense. Her love for me never died. Nor did my love for her come to an end. If there is one thing I know for sure is that despite her physical absence I feel her love for me. Always.

What I'm not sure of is what 'home' is supposed to be like now? I'm still in a constant state of curiosity and discovery. Grief leaves you with many questions like "What does life look like for me now?" And I don't have all the answers. I just know that nothing will ever take her place. But tapping into my creativity for me is like prayer and a way to connect to my true source. And that creativity will lead to inspiration. THAT is my guiding force. THAT is where my faith guides me. THAT is my pathway home.

Love you forever Mama

Special thanks to Aliya Ladha and Farida Karmali for helping me with mom's room. I love you very much. Thank you.

Confessions of A Bollywood Trainer

Spiritual Lesson: The Universe is always conspiring in your favour

                  It's amazing how one phone call can change your life. Especially when the caller is asking if you are free to take on a new client and the client happens to be Deepika Padukone. I was at a Starbucks drowning my sorrows in an Americano after leaving an audition for an Indian soft drink commercial that did not go well. I was feeling a sense of rejection because I knew I wasn't going to get 'that call' the one that said, 'hey you got the part!' And what was I doing at this audition anyway? Well, that's a whole other story. But when I heard the words from this totally unexpected call, my day was turning around in ways I never could have dreamed of.   Now, I have to admit I didn't know too much about Miss Padukone. I may have heard her name in passing from some of my Bollywood following friends so I knew this was a big deal. (Insert apology to Bollywood fans for not knowing Deepika or having seen any of her movies). However, lets just say this wasn't just any phone call. Looking back it was all a divine orchestration from the universe to help me grow professionally, personally and more importantly, spiritually. 

Spiritual Lesson: When the universe calls be prepared to answer!

"You got my attention." "Please tell me more!" Deepika was coming to Toronto to shoot her Hollywood debut "XXX The Return of Xander Cage" and was looking for a trainer and would I be interested in the job? It was a lot to digest in the moment but I felt excitement for this opportunity and I was more than up for the challenge. Most of my high profile clientele were world class professional athletes including, Olympians. I didn't know much about Bollywood or Deepika but it didn't matter because I am a specialist in functional movement including exercise prescription for any occupation and or function.

Spiritual Lesson: Be willing to say "Yes"

       When a door suddenly opens up for you be prepared to walk through. Training a Bollywood actress wasn't one of my aspirations but who knew where this could all lead me? Of course I decided to Google her and that's when I realized the magnitude of a star I'd be working with and I saw this as an incredible opportunity. I knew that I could remain professional just as I had with the other high profile clients I worked with previously. I was eager, excited and also very curious. Where was this all going? And what did the universe have planned for me and for the both of us? No matter what was in store for me my answer to the universe was a whole hearted "yes!" to this experience.

  Soon after that call I received a text message from Deepika. She was ready to start training! Upon that first meeting I couldn't help but feel her star presence. She definitely has that 'it' factor and I immediately understood why she was adorned by so many fans. During our first session we got to know each other and I developed a sense of the movie role and what was required of her. I was a physiotherapist for 14 years and prescribing exercises to help improve performance of any kind is my specialty. I'm quite passionate about my work and so I couldn't wait to get started!

I described my process and what distinguishes me from other trainers. I explained to Deepika how I'm an intuitive and work to help transform my clients physically and spiritually. I blended my background in physiotherapy, fitness and spirituality to create what I refer to as "Spiritual Personal Training." From my perspective we are spiritual beings having a human experience. I believe even our workouts are a spiritual experience and connecting to the deepest part of ourselves can help create the best possible transformation to any workout regime. Deepika was all too welcoming to my mind, body and spirit approach to training.

      We had a great run and a lot of fun during this period. I grew quite fond of her and got to know her mom and dad as they too became my clients while visiting Deepika in Toronto

On the last day of our session I said a little prayer:

"My hope is that no matter where you and I go that our paths may cross again soon."

Spiritual Lesson: Every prayer is answered

Two weeks later I was in my car and I got a call. It was Deepika's manager! Deepika was to perform a dance number at the prestigious IIFA awards and was wondering if I was available to train her to help prepare for her performance? A few weeks later  I was on a flight to Madrid, Spain.

This time, instead of training her for action sequences I had to train her for a Bollywood dance number. It amazed me how I had this one client but who required me to develop a variety of different programs because of their various occupational demands.  This is pretty unusual but I loved the challenge. I gained a whole new respect for Deepika's talents. It takes tremendous focus and a lot of effort to be able to do all the things that she does as an artist. I loved that she had a strong discipline that she developed as an athlete playing badminton and applied it in her training and in every aspect of her career. It was similar to the world class athletes I had worked with in my career as a physiotherapist.

Whilst in Madrid I got to experience a bit of the glamorous side of the entertainment world. I had the incredible opportunity to not only attend IIFA but to also walk the Green carpet alongside Deepika's entourage. Again, not knowing much about Bollywood I had little knowledge of who's who other then a select few household names. Being back stage was great exposure, as it gave me insight as to all that goes into making a show for every Bollywood fans dream. It was filled with stars, dance, music, comedy and all that you can think of in one spectacular show. It was incredible to watch behind the scenes.

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Deepika floored me with her amazing dance performance and she walked away with an award for "Best Female Actress" for the movie 'Picu.'  As a trainer I couldn't have been prouder. It was so rewarding watching a client perform live. All the hard work put into the training, dress rehearsals etc paid off. That moment was definitely one of the highlights of my career.

On the carpet at the IIFA Awards Madrid, Spain

Spiritual Lesson: The Universe loves to surprise you!

"I think you should come to India." (Enter jaw drop) as Deepika spoke these words. We were in the middle of a training session. I think my initial reaction was she's just kidding, but then judging from her tone I realized she was serious. 

"India!" "Wow"

I fell silent for a bit then said, "Ok I'll consider it." I think those were the words I formulated?  It was something along those lines anyway. I was just a bit thrown off by the unexpected offer. I refocused and resumed our training session. It was a lot to take in. I had to sit with this as the consideration for a relocation was a huge decision. I agreed to definitely give it a lot of thought. I knew that this was a great opportunity for me. Wow. Enter one Deepika Padukone in your life and suddenly it's drastically changed and for the better!

On January 2, 2017 I boarded a flight to Los Angeles. From there the adventure of my life continued in ways I couldn't have imagined. Deepika was touring to promote "XXX The Return of Xander Cage in what would be a hectic travel schedule and I accompanied her as her trainer. There were red carpet appearances in Mexico City, London England, Mumbai India and Los Angeles USA.  In this phase I helped train Deepika for all her red carpet appearances always working to help her mind, body and spirit. The training changed to help her look and feel her best for the various carpets, photoshoots, interviews, and all her media appearances. We had to work at maintaining her energy level for the demanding schedule accounting for multiple changing time zones. It was a whirlwind and I really enjoyed the experience.

London, England premier of "XXX The Return of Xander Cage" 

Spiritual Lesson: Always stay Grounded

Each week presented with new conditions which ultimately strengthened me as a trainer. I had to work and develop programs in new gyms, not always knowing ahead what equipment was available to me and yet best prepare her. It was during this period I realized just how important it is that you are balanced in mind, body and spirit and that neglecting one area can really throw you off your game. I saw how important it is to stay connected to your spirit and to be grounded or you can easily feel lost or overwhelmed. When your life is this demanding it’s ever more important to take the time to stay grounded. While working with Deepika in Toronto for "XXX" we established a foundation in helping her physically but also helping her to stay grounded. It was during this tour that I could see how this was significant  in to the program I designed for her. Regular grounding is an important part of my daily living and for every client I work with. When you're grounded life feels like you’re  in the flow of the universe with minimal resistance. It makes turbulent times more manageable. 

Spiritual Lesson: Stay open to the idea that there are  greater possibilities then your limited dreams

Bollywood was never on my radar. I've had many vision boards over the years and nowhere on there had I ever indicated to the universe any aspirations of becoming a Bollywood trainer. But I always remain open. In my daily prayer I state the following:

"God I say yes to your greatest plan and your highest vision for me."

Once the tour was complete we were off to Mumbai. I officially felt like I was now a #BollywoodTrainer. Deepika was shooting her latest epic movie "Padmavati."  I had to once again shift the focus and the type of training as this role would now centre around  Padmavati, a legendary 13th - 14th century Indian Queen. This was Deepika's most challenging role to date. It was important to continue to keep Deepika grounded, and energized for the highly demanding role.

  I was now living in a foreign country working in a new environment. I had to utilize new resources, as I had in all the different cities we had travelled, to ensure that I was meeting Deepika's needs to help her with this role. I continued to learn a lot about myself. I learned how to be more flexible, creative and apply my knowledge in so many foreign environments and still design the appropriate programs to best help Deepika. Along with shooting the movie,  Deepika  had various commitments including photoshoots for magazine covers, commercials and ads as well as red carpet appearances including, the Cannes Film Festival! This entailed a hectic travel schedule. I had to design her programs to help her with her multifaceted and demanding schedule. During this period Deepika was named "Hottest Woman of the Year" by Maxim India! 

Spiritual Lesson: Make Self Love your primary intention for every choice you make in your life

Having the biggest Bollywood star named "Hottest Woman of the Year" is a huge feather in the cap of any trainer. I was really proud of her and the amazing work we had accomplished thus far. But I also wanted everyone who was in some way inspired by Deepika's amazing body to know that as a trainer my goal is to help every client be the best version of themselves. When we are our best selves we can have healthy and positive relationships with ourselves and others. We feel joy and see the beauty in everything and everyone. This journey is not about having nice arms, abs etc but it is a journey that allows for our greatest transformation when we begin our work from the inside. It's is not just a physical transformation. To really have the body you desire,  make self-love your priority. Let your actions, thoughts and emotions be lead with the most sacred love you can have for yourself. This is your true assignment. Treat your body with self-love and your workouts as an act of self-love. A positive intention will always have a positive outcome. And if you do so your world and life will open in ways in which you cannot even dream of. If today you don't have the body you want love it anyway. Treat it with respect and kindness. This is the foundation in which I train every client. 

Spiritual Lesson: Be Willing to Let Go of Your Dreams

Joseph Campbell said it best with this famous quote:

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us" 

This experience in my life has taught me that though I had my plans God definitely had a better one. Many of us including myself get fixated on our goals and dreams. And in some cases these may be limited in serving us.   You can write down your goals and dreams or put them on your vision board but add to that the following:

"God please grant me this or something better.. Thank You,"

"I say yes to your greatest plan and your highest vision for me."

The universe always wants to gift you more then you could ever desire for yourself. So be willing to let go of your limited dreams.

Now that I'm back home in Toronto reflecting on the what's possibly the most adventurous  year of my life, I can't help but wonder what the universe is conspiring for me next? Either way when the next door opens I am more than prepared to walk through.

Spiritual Lesson: Get curious!

I can't help but wonder what else is crazy possible? God has a plan for us all. And whatever that may be, I am willing to say yes to it all.